sex

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

Let’s talk about sex. No, let’s talk about sex for girls. Now as a heterosexual cis-female I am unfortunately only going to be able to comment on what it’s like for a girl to fuck a boy. Anything else would be mere speculation.

I’ve wanted to write about this topic for some time. When I first sat down at my computer, scanning through the ramblings in my phone notes – notes made when an interesting point has been discussed or raised among friends – I decided to do what anyone else does when completing a piece on a certain subject: I googled it. As expected, the first two articles to appear were from Men’s Fitness, swiftly followed by Cosmo. A brief scroll through A History of Human Sexuality on Wikipedia taught me that the rollercoaster of this act, the rules of what is and isn’t considered taboo is far too extensive for me to even attempt to cover here, so I shall merely allude to how attitudes have changed. 

And here we are: 15 years into the second millennium and we are finally owning our sexuality. It is becoming an open topic of conversation and the taboo is finally diminishing. But why was it seen as such a taboo in the first place? Why do we see sex as a sin? Because we enjoy it? It's been thought of in such a way for so long, why is it thought of as wrong? A lack of understanding? Or that still relevant issue of illegitimate children? If due to religious reasons, the Bible tells us that everyone is a sinner. We are born into sin. Everything we do is sinful. Why is sex sinful when it is the most natural human instinct? Why are we ashamed of it? It should be a celebration. Perhaps because it wasn’t something we created, because it was something we lose control with. People do things they thought they were never capable of just for a fuck. Because in that climax you forget everything. Everything but that ecstasy. It is a high, your whole body reacting uncontrollably as your focus is centred on one feeling only. All you can think about is how good it feels. The hormones act as a drug; perhaps, this explains the still-taboo topic of drugs in mainstream thought. Perhaps it was the juxtaposition of pleasure bringing responsibility and consequences. Instead of hiding from it and being afraid of it we need to take control of it. We need to own it. Mind over matter.

Maybe we kept the taboo because we enjoyed it. The thrill of doing something you aren’t supposed to, that’s not allowed. Forbidden fruit. It’s like the adrenaline rush you get when you break the rules, and when that’s combined with the pleasure of penetration you feel it more. You enjoy it more. Being naughty. There’s something so innate inside us, the craving for something you can’t have. You always imagine it to be better on the other side, even with the simplest things like being jealous of someone’s food at a restaurant and regretting your order. Often excitement leads to the same thing, any strong feeling can probably turn you on in the right moment with the right person, whether that feeling be pain or hate or adrenaline, for they are all just other ways of losing control and any uncomfort is juxtaposed with the pleasure, highlighting it. Your hormones can be so narrow minded, especially if your appetite hasn’t been satiated in a while. 

But the man could always sleep around. He was less likely to get caught. He wouldn’t have to carry the child, and consequently wouldn’t have the responsibility or the shame. It’s the classic lock and key analogy: a master key can unlock every lock but a shitty lock can be opened by any key. Naturally sex is all about the guy because it ends when the guy comes. He has all the power. It starts when he has an erection and ends when he loses it. When he is finished. They are the ones penetrating you. They have a stronger animalistic drive that needs to be satisfied with sex, as what goes up must come down. Anyone who denies the lasting existence of this sexism is in denial. When a guy fucks a lot of girls he is a ‘lad’, he is praised. When a girl has had far fewer partners she is already labelled a whore and less valuable. Perhaps this is due to the fact that girls generally get less enjoyment from sex, in the sense that it is harder for them to climax, especially without clitoral stimulation. Sex can end up feeling like an e-cigarette. It tries, but it doesn't quite hit the spot and just leaves you craving a real Marlboro. A red one. It’s as if the guy has sex because he wants to but the girl is only doing it to please him. Looking at it through this lens surely it is far worse to provide oral sex which only pleases one party rather than sex which is meant for both. Or perhaps this is also to do with the fact that when girls have sex they are expected to have put in far more preparation. They should be cleanly shaven, not just their legs, be wearing attractive underwear and generally be well groomed, however for a man it is often seen as masculine when little effort has been put in. These are double standards that need to be put to bed. However I know many girls who are well groomed just for themselves, and in fact their boyfriends prefer it when they don't put in that extra effort.

Now I won’t deny that sex is often used as currency. This is unavoidable: everything is a trade, and as long as both participants are aware of what they are entering into this is not an issue. But so often men see sleeping with a girl after buying them a drink or taking them to dinner as their right. As though the girl owes them this. ‘No’ is translated as ‘Convince me’.

With the sixties came the invention of the pill. Sex could just be about pleasure without the fear of pregnancy, and therefore with it came the sexual revolution. Free love. Now being a slut just means you are a sexually successful person.